Belonging · Confidence · Determination · My Story · Outlook · Poetry · Understanding

Totalitarian Ruler

It has been a process in a world with no escape plan
A world where your skin color determines where you stand
I wonder late at night if this is the real world God put me in
He tells me through the scriptures He will never leave me behind
Then I come to think it is not really the world maybe it is me
Maybe I haven’t learned to overcome adversity being thrown at me
I think it’s time for me to be real and tell you what going on
I get yelled at by a man in my house; not for reasonable things
For things that honestly wouldn’t mean anything
He verbally abuses me and I have to stay awake
Stay awake and remind myself that everything will be okay
No one really knows how I feel when I go home at night
I just have a small hope in my heart that he won’t be home
I’ve learned to not have sympathy for him anymore
He is totally bipolar and doesn’t know it he switches too quick
He can be in my face one minute then joking the next
I’m tired of being his punching bag because now I’m weak
Weak from the crap he continues to spew to me
Tired but I’m as awake as I can possibly be
On my hands and knees to pray so that I can see
See my life run a course he wouldn’t see in me
Watch myself grow to be better than he’d ever be

Afraid · Belonging · Inspirational · Learning · My Story · Outlook · Poem · Poetry · Understanding · Visualization · Writers

Disease

It comes up behind and it takes you by surprise

The happiness you feel now hides

Don’t scream and don’t lie

Just walk down the road in disguise

“Forget, but live in the past”

Is the only thought that passes by

Not truly living is what you fear

What you don’t know is not scary

The unknown thing creeping is only daring

Just be you and don’t steer away

It only wants to consume the horrors you cave

Afraid · Belonging · Determination · Learning · Life · Meaning · My Story · Sexual Assault

Esophagus Melodies

I screamed and I screamed to the fact that he was stealing her and not me
I screamed because I felt like that was the only way for him to see
I never thought that I could be more awake to only be dead really
I opened my eyes and I found myself screaming for her to be set free
No one had ever asked me why I didn’t speak I was a mute
No more will I hide this because I am the one that died ten years ago
The one that wanted to only be smiling ten years ago
The one who clearly couldn’t understand why ten years ago
Someone took away my innocence and hers they didn’t care that we hurt
They didn’t care that we would be walking signs that said ‘I’m hurt’
How dare he just come and think that we’re trash that needed to be picked up
Leave us on the ground to be recycled by your lower front
The touch of your rough skin made me stare at you unknowingly
Looking in your eyes going why is he noticing me
Come to find out I was dragged and made a puppet
I honestly couldn’t move I swear I tried and all that came out were screams
Screams that he would tell me to shut up or you’ll have to face me
He doesn’t know that he scared me because all I could do was yell mommy
She was the one that would protect me but she was gone and I was a deadbeat
A literal beat that was just lying across my skin dead completely
Ten years later and I still can’t find the old me
The happy little girl that talked a lot and was carefree
I speak a lot now to hide my emotions to match my stoic façade
No one needs to know that I was made to be broken
Such a sad estate I have learned to live unspoken
Making noise to hide my overwhelming sea of emotion
To mask the pain that I felt sitting there pleading
Pleading for my sanity, hers, and even his family
To know he has a number and a name that I can never say
He can only be referred as John Doe so that I can remain sane
I’ll remember the look on his face when he said you have to watch
His smile was so sinister his eyes were undressing his prey
John Doe if you see this please begin to pray
Pray that we will heal and this will scar over
Nothing more, nothing less, but I want closure
To ask if you think this was okay even for your daughter
How dare you try to excuse what you did it felt like man slaughter
Not that you even care that she screamed a lot louder
When I heard all that you have done and the chaos you’ve caused
When I screamed my throat opened up I wish I had screamed louder.

•Cass

Belonging · Confidence · Definition · Determination · Encouraging · Growing up · Learning · My Story · Outlook · Poem · Understanding · Writers

Au Courant | Updated or New

It is like the day should be new for you
But you haven’t found a way
A new Idea to help to look up at the sky
That may help you pave the way
But all I can think of is to look down
That is the only kind of way
I can see myself as new instead of
The disgusting looks I get from you
It is hard to find a person like you
Perhaps, that looks at me the same
My friends tell me I’m beautiful
I don’t know if to cry or say thanks
I have found it hard to see
The beauty in me the same way
Trust me I wish that my life wasn’t
Perplexing compared to my young days
Now I’m turning a new age
This time I ask for intellect
Rather than mercy for you

~Cass

Photo Credit: Ericka Garcia

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

~George Bernard Shaw

Afraid · Belonging · Bias · Growing up · Learning · Loving · Meaning · My Story · Poem · Poetry · Visualization · Writers

Broken People

I will not stand for your piteous ways
The nation looks at me like I’m crippled today
I will not stand for the ignorance in our nation
I’m tired of being disappointed in our human race
I will not stand problematic lives
If you have too many of those
Your heart will have strife
I’m not a puzzle piece in this game
I want to be a human today
But I won’t follow societies ways
I’ll break their rules and do it my way
My best friend and I will run
She’ll help me be what I want
She’ll do what she wishes is honest
And fly higher than our broken souls
We’ll make it back and be whole

~Cass

Thank you everyone who reads this blog you are my family. Also, thank you Hannah for letting me use this picture.

Afraid · Belief · Belonging · My Story · Poem · Poetry · Understanding · Visualization · Writers

Lacerate

The incision I make small to suffice
The pain I take in is no real surprise
The tears that fall have already been expected
The rain in my soul keeps falling no exception
I bear my sins to try to keep on working
I falter here and there to show I make mistakes
I love too hard so that everyone else can smile
I try to hard to keep that smile on your face
My days are short but I am not truly happy
My love is more I have only given a piece
My poems are written to show the real me
My life will keep living so long as I’m on my feet.

~Cass

I  Love Ericka for really helping me find myself through this. These are my thoughts. Thanks for reading!

“Other times, I look at my scars and see something else: a girl who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive. They’re part of my history that’ll always be there.”

~ Cheryl Rainfield, Scars

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Double Meaning

She lived at bay for years at end

No one to hold no friend of men

All around just a swift breeze

How sad it is for her to be at ease

Oh no one knows her sorrows

A ship in harbor wallows

A bitter fear that follows

Oh why oh why is she hollow

No one can see her they don’t trust her

They say she’s unsafe but haven’t sailed her

Why can’t we all just stop and be polite

Holding on to the past is all she has

No one to pick her up

Everyone has torn her down

Old and battered never went to sea

Checking out time is up

Her sail has lowered only now to be lifted up

He just walked past and climbed on

Never had a friend and now she sees

Not all are bad but, good is rare as can be

She’s finally being used for what she was made for

No more flaws she sees a new ship in the mirror

A new woman is what she is

A new friend is what she has

A new meaning to life her dream

 

To a port, she parked on for years

She isn’t taken for granted

She isn’t being abused

Now they see her but before not being used

Being used for her purpose now they see the good in her

A ship at harbor was not her purpose nor her full potential

Being at sea was her new home

Soon she would be beautiful again

No, not again that ruined her the first time

She wants to stay in the city that’s her home

Unknown seas she sails through

No friend of man was how she went through

How sad is that till he came by

She was ready to give up and say goodbye

Not her true meaning but what they made her

How she came about and overcame failure

Now as they say a ship in harbor may be safe

Not the true meaning nor what it’s built for

But how she sees herself now is more.

~Cass

Hey, guys, hopefully, everyone has been doing well. Again thank you, Ericka, for your amazing pictures. Also, thanks, to all of the amazing people that find time to read my blog.

“A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” — John A. Shedd.