It comes up behind and it takes you by surprise
The happiness you feel now hides
Don’t scream and don’t lie
Just walk down the road in disguise
“Forget, but live in the past”
Is the only thought that passes by
Not truly living is what you fear
What you don’t know is not scary
The unknown thing creeping is only daring
Just be you and don’t steer away
It only wants to consume the horrors you cave
I screamed and I screamed to the fact that he was stealing her and not me
I screamed because I felt like that was the only way for him to see
I never thought that I could be more awake to only be dead really
I opened my eyes and I found myself screaming for her to be set free
No one had ever asked me why I didn’t speak I was a mute
No more will I hide this because I am the one that died ten years ago
The one that wanted to only be smiling ten years ago
The one who clearly couldn’t understand why ten years ago
Someone took away my innocence and hers they didn’t care that we hurt
They didn’t care that we would be walking signs that said ‘I’m hurt’
How dare he just come and think that we’re trash that needed to be picked up
Leave us on the ground to be recycled by your lower front
The touch of your rough skin made me stare at you unknowingly
Looking in your eyes going why is he noticing me
Come to find out I was dragged and made a puppet
I honestly couldn’t move I swear I tried and all that came out were screams
Screams that he would tell me to shut up or you’ll have to face me
He doesn’t know that he scared me because all I could do was yell mommy
She was the one that would protect me but she was gone and I was a deadbeat
A literal beat that was just lying across my skin dead completely
Ten years later and I still can’t find the old me
The happy little girl that talked a lot and was carefree
I speak a lot now to hide my emotions to match my stoic façade
No one needs to know that I was made to be broken
Such a sad estate I have learned to live unspoken
Making noise to hide my overwhelming sea of emotion
To mask the pain that I felt sitting there pleading
Pleading for my sanity, hers, and even his family
To know he has a number and a name that I can never say
He can only be referred as John Doe so that I can remain sane
I’ll remember the look on his face when he said you have to watch
His smile was so sinister his eyes were undressing his prey
John Doe if you see this please begin to pray
Pray that we will heal and this will scar over
Nothing more, nothing less, but I want closure
To ask if you think this was okay even for your daughter
How dare you try to excuse what you did it felt like man slaughter
Not that you even care that she screamed a lot louder
When I heard all that you have done and the chaos you’ve caused
When I screamed my throat opened up I wish I had screamed louder.
I will not stand for your piteous ways
The nation looks at me like I’m crippled today
I will not stand for the ignorance in our nation
I’m tired of being disappointed in our human race
I will not stand problematic lives
If you have too many of those
Your heart will have strife
I’m not a puzzle piece in this game
I want to be a human today
But I won’t follow societies ways
I’ll break their rules and do it my way
My best friend and I will run
She’ll help me be what I want
She’ll do what she wishes is honest
And fly higher than our broken souls
We’ll make it back and be whole
Thank you everyone who reads this blog you are my family. Also, thank you Hannah for letting me use this picture.
In bed, I stayed all day
Depression kept me there
A dubious mind ran away
Depression told it to
Crying all day with all reason
Depression made it happen
It’s, not a phase anymore
Depression finally set in.
I’m not sure whether I’ve been happy. After my last book tour, I sat on my balcony with a cup of tea. I thought: ‘You can’t rewind the movie. I’ve spent more than half my life in the Middle East. There have been great moments of horror and depression and loneliness.’
The incision I make small to suffice
The pain I take in is no real surprise
The tears that fall have already been expected
The rain in my soul keeps falling no exception
I bear my sins to try to keep on working
I falter here and there to show I make mistakes
I love too hard so that everyone else can smile
I try to hard to keep that smile on your face
My days are short but I am not truly happy
My love is more I have only given a piece
My poems are written to show the real me
My life will keep living so long as I’m on my feet.
I Love Ericka for really helping me find myself through this. These are my thoughts. Thanks for reading!
“Other times, I look at my scars and see something else: a girl who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive. They’re part of my history that’ll always be there.”
~ Cheryl Rainfield, Scars
Once again I can’t wait to leave
No PTSD but depression still present
No remorse but flowers still grow in my name
The world continues to spin with no ceasing
But the broad prospect is still on you
“Stay for me”, they say but who cares
No more sadness in your life, leave them behind.
Just live guys and live for as long as you can, live so no one can intrude, live free and go forward.
What would I be if I lived in an unholy place?
Expectations I have due today, my life on hold in this day?
How long has it been since I’ve been through today,
Being told lies in this sadistic way?
What would be made known of me if I lied in a crazy way?
Problems, that’s what people had yesterday.
Why need cry about it today?
Live only in the time you have not in some odd way.
This is when problems arise just continue on your way.
Photo: Ericka Garcia